Thought Pizza

Well It's 1:45am and I'm wide awake. Tried to sleep but can't, too much on my mind so I'll write. Not that anyone will ever read this but the exercise will do me good. Nothing in particular is robbing me of my precious slumber, but rather a "thought pizza" is the culprit. You know how it is, your mind jumps from one ingredient to another, adding textures and flavors. Tonight my pizza would have to be a "Supreme", for there are many toppings.

I've moved from the usual dream stealer, what am I going to do tomorrow, to what is the weather going to do on Saturday, am I going to have to postpone the show because of rain (it's an outdoor variety and the weather this week has been rain, rain, and more rain, and they are calling for more this weekend)? I've been planning this event for months now and it comes down to this. And yes, it is totally beyond my control.

At times like this my thoughts inevitably turn to matters of faith. I don't know why, they just do. Maybe to be more precise they turn to matters of doubt. And on this topic I could spend hours. I am after all, quite proficient on the subject matter. Tonight's doubt pizza is running the gamut from the rainy forecast, to questioning my motivations for doing a show in the first place. Is it because I truly wish to explore the possibilities of somehow sharing my faith with those who have no faith(at least as I know it), or reaching out to the community at large by raising awareness of local charities? Both sound very noble indeed, but is this truly my motivation? Or is something more sinister lurking just beneath the surface? Am I looking for recognition? Connection? Meaning? Or something entirely other?

Doubt.

For me at least, most of the time I am perfectly content. Content with my faith. Content with my beliefs. Content with my understanding of what it means to be a follower of Christ. Content with God. Most of the time. Then there are times like this, when the usual contentedness is replaced with an incessant doubt. What if what I have believed most of my life is wrong? What if I have missed the entire point? What if.....? What do I really believe anyway? And does it really matter? Let's face it, there are hundreds of "religions" out there to choose from, and even in my own chosen religion, there are hundreds of denominations that can't agree on much of anything concerning our "faith". So who is right? We all believe "we" are right....just ask us. Better yet, we will tell you before you can even ask. We will do our denominational dance for you to help make our point. We get it. Or do we?

Doubt.

Now before you begin to write your anonymous responses to my Satanic letter, I know the Sunday School answers here. I could quote numerous scripture verses to squash this nonsensical rambling. And if you are feeling angry, and in need of correcting my doubts, why is that? Why do we feel threatened when someone raises questions of doubt? Perhaps this is in part why we have become ineffective at doing anything significant for the vast majority of people living on this planet. People living in poverty, disease, famine, and ignorance. They are dying, while we try to convince ourselves we are right. Right to complain about our President. Right to complain about our economy. Right to complain about our church leaders. Right about what we say we believe. Are we?

I doubt it.