A new season

It’s oppressively hot!

Funny, but after forty something Texas summers, you’d think I would be better equipped to handle the extreme “hellish” temperatures, but alas, not so much.

Every year at this time my wife and I begin the ritualistic moaning and groaning and incessant questioning of “why”? Why do we live in Texas? Why not somewhere cooler like say…Colorado, or the California coast? Why must we endure this every year?

The whining eases somewhat as the temps begin to decline in late October. And then its winter and we move from one extreme to the other. The seasons in Texas can be brutal, but it is home and I really do love it, even if I don’t like it sometimes. And the truth of the matter is I would probably miss it terribly were we to move too far away.

So I wait.

Wait for the season to change.

Right now I’m waiting for cooler weather, falling leaves, and crisp evenings by the fire. But I know that even then, there will come a day when once again I will long for warmer days. Come on, you do the same thing and you know it.

At the risk of sounding overly simplistic right now I’m also going through some spiritual changes in season. I am emerging from a season of in depth soul searching. A season of discovery. Discovery of a gift that I didn’t know I possessed.

For the past four years I have been writing. The fruit of which is now beginning to bud. It will be interesting indeed to witness the further development, growth, and harvesting of that fruit. The book is complete. The printing has begun, and soon it will be available to take on a life of its own.

Just as the Texas heat has become nearly unbearable, so too has the tedium of the writing process, and I eagerly anticipate this change in season.

There is even more change blowing in the wind for the Brown family. Although not to a much cooler climate, a move is in the works. We will be moving in the very near future. And as we leave our home, the only home our kids have ever known, we do so with some mixed emotions. But make no mistake, we welcome with open arms these changes in season.

Shelter in the Storm

Have you ever been caught out in a storm? Have you ever been rocking along doing whatever you're doing, when suddenly, without warning, BAM, a storm pops up? The rain comes down in sheets. You feel like Forest Gump..."there was some big ol fat rain, a little bit of sideways rain, some stinging rain, and sometimes it seems like the rain comes right up from the ground".  

My wife and I were out with some friends the other night, driving home from a night out on the town, when suddenly, BAM. You guessed it,  a storm. It began to rain so hard you could barely see the hood of the car, much less the road. Then the hail started, and it sounded as if the windows would all shatter at any moment. Lightning flashing, thunder rolling, water rising, yep it was a full fledged Texas spring thunderstorm, and admittedly a little frightening. Traffic slowed to a crawl, and drivers were leaving the interstate in search of shelter.

We managed to pull off an exit we could barely see, and find an abandoned truck stop with a partially intact awning where the pumps used to be. We shared this tiny space with what seemed like twenty other cars packed tightly under the thin sheet metal roof.

We were trying to get home. Home, where my two teenage children were. Teenage children who were not accustomed to being home alone, much less during an intense storm. I tried over and over to reach them by phone, but my attempts were in vain. No answer. I just wanted to know they were alright, and to let them know we would be there soon. 

No answer.

There we sat. Totally Isolated from home. Stuck in the storm. Waiting for it to pass. How long would it last? When will we get to go home and check on our kids? My thoughts were locked on HOME. 

I just wanted to be home.

The thought occurs to me that spiritually I have been sitting here under this flimsy shelter for far too long. Outside the storm is raging. The water is rising. the rain is coming down in buckets. The hail is as large as baseballs. The lightening is striking all around. Here I sit. Wondering how long it will last. Trying to phone home, but seemingly getting no answer. I feel very vulnerable. I just want to be home.

I know many of you feel the same. You have become isolated in the storm. Maybe you can't even see the road you're traveling on anymore, and you're longing for the safety of Home. It can be a paralyzing event. 

Sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and move.

There was a brief lull in the activity, and we decided it was now or never. We decided to chance it. We chose to leave the relative safety of the shelter, and move towards home. 

The storm made the same decision.

The second wave may have been even more furious than the first, but we were unwavered. Forward. Through the storm and all of it's fury. Until finally, HOME, and rest.

Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right...

Here I am, stuck in the middle with you. Do you remember that song? Some of you are far too young, but it is one of those songs that has stuck with me for years. I don't even remember who sang it(if you do please tell me). But those are powerful lyrics.  That song really didn't mean too much to me when I was a kid, but recently has taken on enormous significance. 

I have been coasting along quite effortlessly for some time now, spiritually at least.  I have moved beyond my former roles and responsibilities within the institution we call church, and have settled into a, well, a rut I guess. It seems the more I try to move beyond those boundaries, the more I find myself back in the middle of them. 

I have been reminded of that reality today once again. I spent most of the afternoon, quite unexpectedly, engrossed in dialogue that centered on, you guessed it, church. Honestly, I am weary of the subject matter, but alas here I am yet again trying to swim up that waterfall of a topic. I have to ask myself...why?

Not sure I have the answer to that one either. Maybe I am a glutton for punishment. Maybe I feel that I have some unfinished business. Or maybe, like those lyrics suggest, there are Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right, here I am stuck in the middle with you.

And maybe, just maybe, that is God's plan after all. There are plenty of religious clowns and jokers out there, pitching their wares. Throwing sappy cliches and spiritual terminology at you. They have answers for everything, like circus clowns piling out of a VW, there never seems to be an end. Zapping the life right out of you. Have you had enough?

I know I have. 

But still, there is something deep within. Burning. Driving. Looking for release. Do you know what I'm saying? If so, maybe, just maybe, I'm stuck in the middle with YOU.

Thought Pizza

Well It's 1:45am and I'm wide awake. Tried to sleep but can't, too much on my mind so I'll write. Not that anyone will ever read this but the exercise will do me good. Nothing in particular is robbing me of my precious slumber, but rather a "thought pizza" is the culprit. You know how it is, your mind jumps from one ingredient to another, adding textures and flavors. Tonight my pizza would have to be a "Supreme", for there are many toppings.

I've moved from the usual dream stealer, what am I going to do tomorrow, to what is the weather going to do on Saturday, am I going to have to postpone the show because of rain (it's an outdoor variety and the weather this week has been rain, rain, and more rain, and they are calling for more this weekend)? I've been planning this event for months now and it comes down to this. And yes, it is totally beyond my control.

At times like this my thoughts inevitably turn to matters of faith. I don't know why, they just do. Maybe to be more precise they turn to matters of doubt. And on this topic I could spend hours. I am after all, quite proficient on the subject matter. Tonight's doubt pizza is running the gamut from the rainy forecast, to questioning my motivations for doing a show in the first place. Is it because I truly wish to explore the possibilities of somehow sharing my faith with those who have no faith(at least as I know it), or reaching out to the community at large by raising awareness of local charities? Both sound very noble indeed, but is this truly my motivation? Or is something more sinister lurking just beneath the surface? Am I looking for recognition? Connection? Meaning? Or something entirely other?

Doubt.

For me at least, most of the time I am perfectly content. Content with my faith. Content with my beliefs. Content with my understanding of what it means to be a follower of Christ. Content with God. Most of the time. Then there are times like this, when the usual contentedness is replaced with an incessant doubt. What if what I have believed most of my life is wrong? What if I have missed the entire point? What if.....? What do I really believe anyway? And does it really matter? Let's face it, there are hundreds of "religions" out there to choose from, and even in my own chosen religion, there are hundreds of denominations that can't agree on much of anything concerning our "faith". So who is right? We all believe "we" are right....just ask us. Better yet, we will tell you before you can even ask. We will do our denominational dance for you to help make our point. We get it. Or do we?

Doubt.

Now before you begin to write your anonymous responses to my Satanic letter, I know the Sunday School answers here. I could quote numerous scripture verses to squash this nonsensical rambling. And if you are feeling angry, and in need of correcting my doubts, why is that? Why do we feel threatened when someone raises questions of doubt? Perhaps this is in part why we have become ineffective at doing anything significant for the vast majority of people living on this planet. People living in poverty, disease, famine, and ignorance. They are dying, while we try to convince ourselves we are right. Right to complain about our President. Right to complain about our economy. Right to complain about our church leaders. Right about what we say we believe. Are we?

I doubt it.

From Death Life emerges.

Death. It's a very unpleasant topic. I have once again been reminded this week of just how little, if any control of our lives we actually have. I have seen once again just how fast life can be snuffed out. Whether from an freak accident, or a random act of violence, the unavoidable question of "why" is left at the forefront of your mind.

Not to diminish the question, but is that the question we should be asking? After all, we may never fully know "why" in this lifetime, which is again a reminder of our lack of control. But this lack of control is disturbing. We want to think we are in complete control of our life. We decide what we will eat, where we will go to school, what kind of career we want, who we will marry, who our friends are, and so on. But when circumstances enter into our life that are beyond our control, our frailty, and vulnerability become painfully apparent.

I would say that instead of the "why" question, we should ask the "who" question. Who do we turn to in these trying situations? Who do we go to to ease the pain? Who are our real friends? Who is going to be there when you really need them? Who is going to help you through this? Who can bring meaning to a seemingly meaningless situation? Who is really in control?

The "who" question can be the most difficult question of all. Sometimes the answer is a surprise. Sometimes the answer is painful. Sometimes the answer goes against your prior belief. Sometime there is no answer at all.

Maybe your asking the why question right now. Maybe your asking the who question and your world is turned upside down. Maybe you haven't gotten any answers yet. Whatever situation you find yourself in right now, know this, "there is no situation on Earth that is 'uncommon' to man." What that means is that regardless of what you are going through, someone else is going, has gone, or will go through the same situation. There is comfort in knowing you're not alone.

Would you like to know more?

Leave a post...let's talk.

Hurry up and wait.

You've been there. Maybe your there right now. You pour your energy and effort into a project...and then have to wait to see the results of all of your hard work. It can be maddening...the waiting...the wondering...the not knowing.

I'm there. I have just submitted the result of about two years of hard work, to seek the approval of a total stranger. Not to authenticate my self worth, but to further a greater purpose. One that in my limited vision I can't even see right now. I've only just begun to catch a glimpse of the possibility. So I wait.

And I hope.

Blogerookie

OK. I'll admit, I'm a little behind the technological times. I have avoided this whole "Blog" thing long enough. And I know that even as I'm typing this, that some new form of electronic mass communication phenonm is leaving me behind in its dust. But alas, I've got to start somewhere. So I'll start here.

Please bear with me as I try and remove my training wheels and blog for the first time. Hopefully it will not take me too long to ride like the rest of you.

My hope is to have something of significance to share with you from time to time, even if it is only significant to me. And hopefully you will respond, and share your insight. Who knows, we might even learn a thing or two together.

But if nothing else, at least I'm blowing the dust off of those recesses of my brain that don't get a lot of use, and that can only be good...right?